Writing thank you notes can seem like an onerous obligation. Think of the recent bride trying to express her gratitude for the gifts from 200 wedding guests or the last time you had to write a thank you to a client you don’t much like for a miserable lunch. Still, thank you occasions are some of our biggest opportunities to make a major impact on the people who have the power to make major differences in our lives:

• The woman or man you fell in love with at first sight
• The personal manager you just interviewed for a dream job
• The highly successful and influential older couple that invited you over for dinner
• A famous professor that you had for a math class
• The alderman who finally got your street repaved
• The insurance agent who found you a great policy for your business
• A woman who just gave a large donation to your charity
• A tutor who helped you get into college
• An piano bar singer who created a wonderful evening for you and your husband at a hotel

You have probably noticed that most of the thank you notes that you write and that you receive tend to be perfunctory gestures rather than real attempts to build or improve a relationship for mutual benefit.

The Socratic Scribbler always keeps the relationship with the reader first and foremost. The Scribbler approaches a writing job by asking questions. Now, the key question for thank you notes seems obvious…What are you thanking the reader for? The problem that makes writing thank you notes such a drudge is that the answer to that question seems so obviously obvious….Dear Bob, thank you for the dinner, the flowers, the trip, the ride, the excellent service, the job, the advice, the loan. We too easily focus on the gift or service that triggers the thanks without dealing with the significance to the relationship. When somebody does something for you, no matter how seemingly trivial, it opens a door to new possibilities.

One of my favorite thank you notes was written by Marilyn Monroe. A hotel concierge had sent her a bottle of champagne. Here’s what Marylin wrote:

“Dear Mr. Fuesldorf, Thank you for the champagne. It arrived. I drank it. And I was gayer. Thanks again. My best. Marylin Monroe.”

Marylyn could have just said, “Thanks for the champagne. How gracious” but that would be like a flat champagne. Marilyn’s note bubbles with thanks because she talks about a specific and important difference that the champagne made in her life. It made her “gayer”, no doubt after a hard and stressful day. Marilyn is praising Herr Fuesldorf for being sensitive enough to anticipate her needs. He could have sent flowers or chocolates or a free dinner. He knew what she wanted…champagne. Marilyn will surely recommend Fuesldorf’s hotel and Fuesldorf to other celebrities…thus giving benefits to Fuesldorft…and to Marilyn, because other celebrities will be grateful to her for the recommendation.

Aristotle would say that the job of writing a thank you note falls under Ceremonial Rhetoric, a way of praising someone. In thank you situations, the thank you is for a benefactor, someone who has contributed some goodness to your life.

Aristotle tells us that when we praise people, we must praise them in ways that are specific to their virtues. Being virtuous and doing good requires an intention, an action, and a result. A good thank you note will take into account all three.

After a job interview, writing a good thank you note can set you apart from competitors. If they are smart enough to write a thank you note in the first place (many people don’t), most will just thank the interviewer for the opportunity to interview and restate their enthusiasm and qualifications to do the job. They are still selling themselves rather than thanking and beginning a relationship.

Following Aristotle’s line of thinking, a great thank you note would focus on the virtue, not just of the interviewer, but of the company offering the job. You would begin with praise and enthusiasm for what the company does well, then you would praise the interviewer for embodying the virtues of the company, and then talk about how you are ready and able to contribute to that virtuous mission. Businesses and organizations are created to offer literal goods, products or services that benefit their buyers. By praising the company’s mission, you show a higher level of commitment than just “getting a job.” You show that you “get it.” Then by adding a creative idea or a talent of your own that can contribute to that mission, you cinch the job.

One of my favorite thank you notes was written by a friend in college, let’s call him George, since I went to Georgetown, then an all men’s college. We were attending a “mixer” dance with a neighboring women’s college called Trinity. Well George spotted a “love at first sight” woman…whose name we later learned is Christine. And, she was indeed beautiful, never lacking a partner all evening. Unfortunately, George was too shy to ever ask Christine to dance, despite my ready advice about what to say (even then your Socratic Scribbler was infamous for his ability to palaver).

Returning to the dorms depressed, George decided to write Christine a thank you note. Surprised, I scoffed…”Thank her? For what! You never even got up the courage to ask her to dance.” He said, “I am going to thank her for being so beautiful that she left me speechless. I will thank her for the privilege of just being able to look at her. Then I will tell her that I have regained my courage and that I would like to take her out to dinner to get to know her, because I am certain that her physical beauty must be a mere reflection of an even more beautiful soul.”

Well not even your Socratic Scribbler could improve om that. Did the thank you note work? Of course, George and Cristine are married with five daughters. I said George was shy, not stupid. While George never fancied himself a writer, he knew how to use writing to move forward with his life. Come to think of it, I’d be much better off if I had followed his investment advice.

Why did George’s thank you note work? Did I fail to mention that George was a Classics Major… you know, those out of fashion Latin and Greek writers…who somehow made George very shrewd. He ended up managing a hedge fund. Here was George’s angle. Beautiful women attract alpha males, those tall, muscular, good looking and confident men who look at women as prizes to be won, the fast-talking men who pride themselves in their pick up lines. Many of them are obnoxious egoists. Now, not all beautiful women are dumb or attracted to aggressive alpha males. And Trinity had a lot of smart pretty women.. They also knew that their beauty and brains can scare the guys away. As Joan Rivers joked, when a guy slips his hand on your dress, he’s not looking for your library card.

The ingenuity of George’s thank you note is that it raises interest in Christine’s beauty to the next level…her soul. Lots of guys want her body. George tells her he wants even more. We also upped the romance with a scrap of poetry of Byron about beauty walking in the night. The note also offered safety assurance with a way for Christine to check George out, to make sure he wasn’t a stalker or freak. In effect, the thank you note is composed to provoke and answer a set of questions that Georgeimagined Christine might be asking herself: “I met a lot of good looking jerks last night. Wish I could just meet a guy who wants more than eye candy to impress his friends. What’s this envelope here? Nice stationary and handwriting. Who is George? Do I know any Georges? Oh, my God, this thank you note is a hoot and so romantic! Byron, no less? Oh, I get it…another George. Romantic as this is, it’s kind of odd and creepy. Is this guy for real? Oh, he tells me my friend Pat knows him well, so I can check him out….”

Thank you notes never need to be long. Unless you are in a competition where you must hurry with an email to be timely, thank you notes should be written on good stationery and sent through the post. Why? Because good paper is always up close and personal without violating anyone’s space or time.

So be like George and follow the advice of the Socratic Scribbler. When you write a proper thank you note following Aristotle’s advice of praising the true virtue of your benefactor, well then you’ve made a major impact and enhanced a relationship, most likely to your advantage. Just as Christine is still with George, you can be sure Herr Fuesldorf’s favorite actress remains Marlyn Monroe, a beauty with the grace to make someone else feel special.

By the way, I must thank you for reading the Socratic Scribbler articles. I hope you enjoy reading these scraps of advice as much as I enjoy writing them. And, I hope these thoughts about writing from the perspective of Classical Rhetoric help you create your own opportunities to move forward. You can also find my book, Socratic Scribbling on Amazon. Scribble on.